Loneliness is, first and foremost, a completely normal human feeling. It can be thought of as a kind of social thirst. Just as thirst signals that our body needs fluids, loneliness shows us that our need for closeness and connection is not being sufficiently met.

What matters is not how many people we have around us, but how we experience our relationships. Loneliness arises when our social relationships do not correspond to what we want and need, and we find this distressing. We distinguish between social and emotional loneliness: In the case of social loneliness, for example, we lack the feeling of being part of a community. In the case of emotional loneliness, we miss having a close, trusting relationship. This is why we can feel lonely even in a romantic relationship or surrounded by a large circle of friends if we feel that no one truly understands us. Conversely, we can spend a lot of time alone and be content with it. Being alone therefore describes an external situation, while loneliness describes our inner experience.

Feelings of loneliness are not inherently problematic. When temporary, they can make us aware that we are lacking closeness or connection and motivate us to maintain relationships or seek new contacts. It is important to recognise such feelings and take them seriously. However, if loneliness persists over a longer period, it can become increasingly distressing, intensify social withdrawal and increase the risk of mental and physical health problems.

People have different social needs. For some, a few close relationships are enough, while others want more interaction or a larger circle of friends. However, what we expect from relationships and how we experience them also matters. Two people may meet friends equally often. One person finds these encounters enriching, while the other feels that the conversations remain superficial or that no one is genuinely interested in them.

Previous experiences and our image of ourselves also play a role. Someone who has repeatedly experienced rejection may interpret an unanswered message as a sign of disinterest. Another person assumes that the sender is simply busy. Life circumstances also play a part, such as health problems, financial constraints or a lack of opportunities to meet other people.
 
Whether we feel lonely therefore depends not only on how many social contacts we have, but also on whether these meet our needs for closeness, security, connection and belonging.

There are no clear outward signs of loneliness. Changes in behaviour can become apparent, particularly when people have been suffering from loneliness for a prolonged period. Some withdraw increasingly, cancel plans more frequently or share less about themselves. Others seek company particularly often, get in touch noticeably frequently or prolong conversations and meetings. Loneliness can therefore manifest itself in very different ways. Statements such as “No one is interested in me anyway” or “I have no one I can talk to about this” can also be indications.

We should be particularly attentive during major life changes, for example after a separation, a death, a move or retirement. Such events can cause familiar relationships to break down or change.

However, it is important not to jump to conclusions. Someone who enjoys being alone or declines invitations does not necessarily feel lonely. Such behaviour can have many different reasons. The key is therefore to notice changes and ask questions with genuine interest rather than make assumptions.

The direct question is not necessarily wrong. If there is a good relationship of trust, it can even be helpful. What matters is how we ask and whether the other person feels safe enough to answer openly. Loneliness is still associated with shame. Many people see it as a personal failure. They may think: There must be something wrong with me, otherwise I would have more friends. A direct question can therefore also lead someone to deny their feelings.

It is often more helpful to start the conversation quite naturally, for example with “How have you actually been doing lately?” If the person's living situation has changed, “How have you been since you started living alone?” may also be appropriate. A question such as “Do you sometimes miss interacting with others?” also provides a way to approach the subject without using the word “loneliness”. Such questions give the other person space to decide for themselves how much they want to share. A quiet moment, preferably in private, can also be important.

What matters is less the exact wording and more an atmosphere in which someone can talk about a lack of closeness without feeling ashamed. It helps to listen rather than immediately offer solutions. Sharing our own experiences of loneliness can also be helpful. In this way, we show that loneliness is a human experience that many of us go through from time to time.

Both can be helpful. It is often the small gestures that make a difference: an invitation for a walk, having a coffee together or a short message that conveys: “I'm thinking of you.” There is no need to explicitly address loneliness to do this.

As already mentioned, however, it is not just about how often we spend time with other people. What matters is whether we feel seen and that we belong during these encounters. Particularly in cases of prolonged loneliness, additional social contacts are therefore not always enough. It is important to approach the other person with genuine interest and as an equal. No one wants to be invited just out of pity. Ideally, we should not give the impression that we feel obliged to do something good for someone, but rather show that we enjoy spending time with that person.

An invitation can be a first step. If trust and a personal connection develop over time, it can have an even greater impact.

This may be a form of internal self-protection, particularly in people who have been feeling lonely for a long time. On the one hand, they long for closeness and belonging, but on the other, they want to avoid being rejected or hurt again. As already mentioned, previous experiences can influence how we perceive social situations. Someone who has repeatedly experienced rejection may pay particular attention to signs of rejection. An unanswered message is then interpreted as rejection, or an invitation is perceived as an act of pity. Previous experiences can also contribute to us developing a more negative image of ourselves or other people. We may be more likely to distrust others or believe that we are a burden to them.

This can create a vicious circle: Out of fear of being hurt again, those affected withdraw, which in turn deprives them of positive experiences with other people. What is originally intended to protect them from disappointment can therefore intensify their loneliness.

However, not every declined invitation is driven by such fear. Sometimes people simply lack the energy, financial means or physical health needed to take part in shared activities. A lack of opportunities to meet others can also make it more difficult to build and maintain social relationships.

For those around them, this primarily means remaining patient and not taking declined invitations personally. For example, one could say: “It's a shame you can't make it today. I'd be happy if you could join us another time.” It is important to show interest without creating pressure and to respect the other person's boundaries. Some people need time and repeated positive experiences before they can trust others again. An outstretched hand should be an offer, not an obligation.

Above all, we should avoid downplaying loneliness or placing the responsibility solely on the person affected. Statements such as “You just need to get out and meet more people”, “Why don't you find a hobby?” or “But you have so many friends” are usually well-intentioned. However, they can give the impression that the person is to blame for their situation or simply needs to make more effort. It is more helpful to first take what someone is experiencing seriously, for example by saying, “That sounds distressing. Would you like to tell me how you feel about it?”

Even well-intentioned pressure can be counterproductive. Someone who feels lonely does not necessarily need someone to organise as many activities as possible. It is often more important that someone shows consistent interest, keeps invitations open and accepts a refusal. Particularly in cases of prolonged loneliness, it sometimes takes patience for trust to develop again.

If someone has been suffering from loneliness for a long time and finds it difficult to change their situation, professional support may also be helpful. We can gently encourage this step, but we cannot force it.

My most important recommendation: Be consciously aware of the people around you and keep reaching out – even if your hand is not taken the first time.

Loneliness is part of human life. It is important that we recognise and take such feelings seriously, both in ourselves and in others. Temporary loneliness can make us aware that we are lacking closeness or connection and motivate us to maintain our relationships. However, if loneliness persists for a longer period, it can become increasingly difficult for those affected to change their situation. This makes it all the more important that we remain attentive, show interest and repeatedly offer to stay in touch without creating pressure. A short phone call, a personal message or an invitation for a walk can already make a big difference. What matters is treating others as equals. We all want not only to belong, but also to be important to others.

At the same time, we must not leave the responsibility solely to individuals. Loneliness is also a societal challenge. Neighbourhoods, associations and municipalities can promote opportunities for social interaction and participation. Policymakers also have a role to play in creating conditions that facilitate social relationships, for example through easily accessible meeting places and low-threshold services.

Loneliness is not a personal failure. It can affect anyone. And we can all contribute to helping people feel less lonely.